How I overcame suicidal depression
For years I was tormented by suicidal thoughts and tried to end my life 5 times. I should be dead, but I’m alive.
It started when I was around 14 years old. I remember feeling hopeless, afraid of the future and believing no one truly loved me or cared about me. I often thought about running away from home. I felt trapped in a world of pain and brokenness. I remember cutting myself at the age of 14 in a strange way to try and escape the pain. I started to think about what this world would be like without me.
At 15 years old, I ran away from home and lived with my boyfriend. I started smoking a lot of marijuana, often daily. Getting high became an escape for me. I also drank a lot of alcohol, anything to numb the pain I felt. At 16 years old I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication. I remember it not helping much. At 17 I had my first suicide attempt, I overdosed on pills. Soon after that, I was prescribed medication for depression.
By the time I was 20, I had attempted suicide twice. I don’t know if I truly wanted to die, or if they were a cry for help. I would often hear thoughts in my head like “This world is better without you”, and “You're a burden to everyone, you should just die”. The sad part is, that I often believed them. I felt alone, rejected and abandoned. I wanted someone to see me, love me and for the pain and sadness to go away.
Everything changed (then it got worse).
I will never forget the moment I first met Jesus. It changed everything. I was invited to church and this one Sunday I reluctantly attended. I sat right at the back hungover from partying the night before. However, during this church service, I experienced the powerful and tangible presence of God. In that instant, peace, love, joy, and hope from God flooded my heart. My eyes were opened to the reality of God and His love for me. I decided in my heart then and there, that from now on, I wanted to follow Jesus.
But around one year after I had this very real encounter with God, I started to drift away from following Jesus. What happened? I had so much pain that needed healing and was stuck in the past - struggling with addictions, trauma and tormenting suicidal thoughts. I didn’t understand at the time and hadn’t heard that I could be free from all these things. Even though I had decided to follow Jesus, I hadn’t yet comprehended or learned the full Gospel. The Gospel that saves, heals and delivers. I didn’t know that Jesus paid for me to be free in this life. I thought I had to wait for heaven to be delivered from sin and brokenness. Little by little I drifted away from God and willfully rebelled against Him. I partied and self-medicated with drugs, alcohol and sex. As a result, I experienced much shame and guilt.
Something was very wrong, and deep down I knew it. They were the worst months of my life. I describe it as a living hell on earth. God's word says better to have never known the truth than to have known it and walked away (2 Peter 2:21-22). I simply couldn’t see a way out. I felt like I had forsaken the only One who could help me, God.
True surrender and freedom.
I wasn’t able to work, I was heavily medicated, and I was continually tormented by thoughts of suicide and hopelessness. I didn’t want to live anymore. During this time, I attempted to end my life three more times. After the last attempt (which I’m convinced would have killed me, had there not been an intervention) I ended up in the psychiatric ward at the hospital. Locked away against my will in a building, face-to-face with my brokenness. I feel lost, rejected and completely hopeless. God felt a million miles away, but He was my only hope. I was at rock bottom with no way out.
As I lay there on my bed alone in that lifeless cold place, I cried out to God. It wasn’t a long prayer, but the few words I prayed, I said with all my heart. I gave my life fully into His hands. I surrendered to His Lordship.
Within 12 months, my life completely changed - for the better. God is so merciful and so kind. He was waiting the whole time for me to come home to Him. He embraced me, loved me and forgave me. Since that moment, I have been devoted to Jesus and haven’t looked back.
His love changes everything.
The truth is, because of sin and wrong choices, I had opened myself to evil powers of darkness (demons) that oppressed and tormented me in the form of suicidal thoughts and depression. I was living in the darkness when God was calling me to live in His light - the Light of Jesus Christ. Only by walking in His ways can we experience true freedom, from sin and darkness.
After I turned from the destructive things and followed Jesus, I saw miracles happen. God intervened in powerful ways to set me free from suicidal thoughts. Jesus delivered me from the evil spirits that tormented my mind. Overcoming depression also involved some deliverance, as well as a process of repentance, healing, forgiveness, counselling, renewing my mind, as well as eating well, and exercising.
Today I am free! I write this with joy and with thankful tears…for over 10 years I haven’t battled with depression anymore or suicidal thoughts. It is because of Jesus I could overcome these things. Without Him, I would be dead.
Of course, I still struggle with hard days or feel sad at times, I’m human. But it’s nothing compared I did in those days before Jesus delivered me. God has set me free. He has redeemed my life. He has forgiven me. He has given me joy, purpose, hope and peace. I know I am deeply loved. The love of God has set me free from so much fear, rejection and abandonment. I’m so thankful Jesus saved me. I’m so glad I didn’t die by suicide. I’m so glad I’m here to tell you my story.
Someone needs to know this.
I am sharing my story because someone needs to know there is hope. Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression. If so, please know that you are so loved by the One who created you - God. You don’t have to live with these tormenting thoughts. Please stay here on this earth.
Jesus wants to give you a new life today.
Jesus wants to set you free today.
Jesus wants to save you.
Jesus wants to heal you.
Jesus wants to deliver you.
Jesus is the Son of God. He died for our sins and three days later He rose again. Jesus is alive and He is calling you to repent from sin and follow Him. Put your trust and hope in Jesus. God has a plan and purpose for your life. You belong on this earth. Don’t believe the lies like I did. Don’t try to kill yourself. Don’t try and live independently from Jesus, but give your whole life to Him today.
The Gospel works. If Jesus can change my life, He can change anyone. The devil is real. Heaven and hell are real. Jesus said “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly (John 10:10).”
The Word of God says: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 10:10. If you want to turn from sin and give your life to Jesus today, to have eternal life, and be truly free in Him, you can pray this prayer:
“Dear God,
I come to you today,
I am a sinner needing salvation.
Lord Jesus Christ, I cannot save myself.
Jesus Christ have mercy on me, I repent of my sin,
Save me now,
Forgive me,
Wash me in Your blood,
And break every chain in my life,
Deliver me from depression,
Deliver me from suicidal thoughts,
Fill me with me you Holy Spirit,
I confess with my mouth, what I believe in my heart,
That Jesus is my Lord and Savior,
And that Jesus is the son of the living God,
From this day forward, I belong to Jesus,
And Jesus belongs to me,
I believe it
I confess it
In the mighty name of Jesus.”
If you prayed this prayer and gave your life to Jesus today. Please email me at hello@rachaelmaree.com so I can pray for you and encourage you in your walk with Jesus.
If you’re a Christian struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please know the truth that The Gospel is for you. The above words, the promises from God’s word, they apply to you. Freedom through Christ is for you. You are so deeply loved. Keep believing and confessing the truth of The Gospel for yourself, and seek the help you need to overcome this.
For resources, support and information about depression and suicide prevention, please see https://www.stayhere.live/
Stay Here offers one month of free professional counselling https://www.stayhere.live/freetherapy